So my parents changed ISP, and during this process, they changed modems. New modem means new firewall, and lets just say that my parents aren't exactly firewall-configuring wizards.

So I know what you're thinking, "You expect me to believe that it took you two weeks to talk your parents through forwarding ports 22 and 80 to your server, which was infact online the whole time?" ...No, I don't really expect you to believe that, but it's true.